I’ve never been a huge radio fan, because it seems that half of every hour is taken up by commercials or DJ’s who love the sound of their own voices.  Since ssb has turned me on to satellite radio, I’ve discovered that I waste a lot of time, go figure?  If the tv is on, it may or may not get turned off, which means it may or may not (most likely will) draw me in to a show that I wouldn’t have chosen to watch, but find interesting on the spur of the moment. I’ll start watching for a few minutes and the next thing I know an hour, two hours or an evening has passed with absolutely nothing accomplished. I certainly don’t get anything out of it, except maybe learning how potato chips are made or more about a haunted house halfway across the world.

Since I’m someone who is always questioning the reasons for my actions and reactions, of course, I started thinking about why I allow such a useless activity to change my evening plans. It’s taking me away from activities I’d enjoy much more.  I came up with one dominant conclusion, escapism. 

Life is busy. It’s full of responsibilities and annoyances. All day we deal with people by necessity and obligation that we’d never choose as associates.  We deal with teenagers at drive-thru windows, unruly coworkers, and annoying drivers, just to name a few.  When we get home, which should be our sanctuary, it initially seems reasonable to want to escape in to television or video games.  In reality, we’re really not getting much out of it.  One more television show, one more movie, one more round of WoW, one more youtube video search, one more check on the message board of wasted time;  all of these steal our time for being human, from connecting in meaningful ways with ourselves, our deities and our fellow human beings. We could be writing the next great sonnet, painting a masterpiece, planting a garden, snuggling with a lover, learning a new skill, or composing a letter to a friend, but instead we “relax” by escaping this world rather than living in it, by removing ourselves rather than enhancing ourselves.

See what happens when my brain chemicals get back to normal?  I have way too many thoughts in my head! J

From my pal Kate: “Let me make this painfully clear: if you can’t type a decent paragraph with fewer than two misspelled words, there is no way in hell I’m ever going to let you put your dick in my mouth. Okay? Have i made it clear enough?”

I’m thinking of putting it on all my profiles ….

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I have been thinking on the principle. As a rule, I keep a running list of things I want to do before I die: places to visit and things to accomplish. It helps me keep focused in a direction, rather than bouncing around and accomplishing nothing. It’s a list of tasks, nothing more.

Thinking along the lines of “if I died tomorrow, what is left undone”, I’ve drawn several conclusions.  Life isn’t about tasks. Life is about living, loving, learning, and teaching. I have done all of those and more. I have loved with ever fiber of my soul and had that love returned with equal passion. I’ve felt the pain of having that same love ripped from this earth way too soon. I’ve taught those who are lead to me, with kindness, love, empathy, truth and the occasional swift kick in the butt.   I’ve also felt the hand of others guide me when I’ve lost sight of my own path. I’ve experienced the awe of love and tears that span through many lifetimes and felt it resonate through me, a continual reminder that I am a only tiny part of something universal and permanent and that neither love nor pain ever really ends. I’ve been a lover, teacher, muse, protector, advisor, avenger, abettor, and critic. I harbor no regrets, lies or broken promises. The people I love know they are appreciated and valued. If I died tomorrow, there is nothing undone.

>Life is moving swiftly along

In only a blink, it could be gone

One moment here, then gone away

Snuffed like a candle on a windy day

 

Life speeds along in a continual stream

Flowing along on the wings of a dream

So fly to the stars and taste of the earth

Living and loving in sadness and mirth

 

Run through the fire and dance on the ice

Stop not to worry and think it through thrice

This time around is only one spin

Don’t stand there waiting for life to begin

 

Life surrounds us waves of connection

In love and light and shows of affection

It’s fiery debates and anger and tears

Moving ahead despite worries and fears

 

Nothing is certain, be certain of this

Hold tightly onto this day’s bliss

Tomorrow’s not promised to anyone

Not even to you, blessed one

 

Live, learn and love the Gods have told

In the dusty stories of old

Why wait for the safe and the sound

When times are changing all around?

 

Run through the fire and dance on the ice

Life is too short for thinking thrice

Enjoy this moment with every sense

Never will it be here again

I was going pretty strong toward my goals for several months. Some life changes hit, which is no excuse, and I slaked.  Now it’s time, as with any failed or half succeeded attempt at anything, to see what worked and what didn’t, tweak the method, and try it again.  

What worked :  having a list written in an unavoidable place of things that need to be done. This worked well on several levels. It kept me from putting things out of my mind when I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do them. Those tasks were so present that they stayed in my conscious mind, which would  then bug me, and get done. The result was that the house stayed cleaner, my life was less stressed, my diet was better, and I had more time to do things I enjoy.  Why it failed: I took the list down due to a visit from mom, so she wouldn’t think I had totally lost my mind. She has enough reason to think that now without giving her special ammunition. I never reprinted it as intended. The tweak: I’m going to put it on a big white board that also has a cork board in my bedroom with the list. 

A general life goal list also worked. As I have been known to say often, “eyes on the prize, feet on the path”.  Keeping goals and steps physically in front of me works, it’s just a matter of making sure they stay there.

Less computer time was also a winner.  If I limit my time on the net and games to a certain number of hours per day, I get more done. Go figure?  When the list went, so did the time management.

I love my pup, but having him in daycare at lest one day a week was good.  He’s 80 pounds of sweet, high energy puppy.  A change of pace seems to make him happy and keeps me sane too.  Since the daycare incident, that’s not an option. So, I think I’ll start either boarding him overnight or at least putting him in daycare at the vet once a week again. The trauma of his show of small dog aggression initially  put the kibosh on it, but he won’t have direct contact with other dogs at the vet. As a plus, several of the workers there have pit bulls and love him, so he gets lots of petting, treats, and playtime.   

 

This past year, I’ve begun to hone my painting skills and research the steps to creating a successful art business.  I’m starting to express myself more, although not always eloquently, to those close to me.  I’ve been more social, but still kept my hermit time.  In summary, I’ve made steps. They may not have been the great strides I’d like, but they’re steady and true.  It’s time to recalibrate and get back on task.

Reading back over this blog – it boils down to a simple statement. I forget stuff.  My life is generally free flowing. If I’m not reminded, I lose track of the path and wind up pursuing a bunny trail along the side.  While it’s great fun, it’s not conducive to achieving life goals

There are people who over schedule every minute of their time. There are people who are not busy unless they have every waking hour planned.  There are people who schedule lunch and dinner; and, there are people like me.

 

 

I like people. I like experiencing people, drawing them, painting them. I like seeing the world as they do and letting their world inspire my creativity. However, I reach a point where I am “peopled out”.   It’s when I want to let my brain digest all that I’ve experienced.  I need time to regain my equilibrium.  I tend to let others take me through their journey. I love it! It’s also easy to get lost in the experience. This means that down time is required for me.  It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s not that I’m over the world or people or anything else.

As much of a “people person” as I am, I’m also a bit of a loner.  I need time with music, and paint and words and whatever else strikes my fancy. It might be dreaming (asleep or awake), coffee at sunrise, tea at 4pm, wine at 7pm or shooters at 10pm.  Decompression time is important.

I say that to say this – I’ve been absent a bit from blogging, but I’m still here. I’m having a great time, but a bit busier than my processing would like.  You can be certain that my over-active brain is working on too many levels to produce a coherent thought pattern.  You can also be certain that they’ll certainly culminate into blogs that are too philosophical and boring for most folks to read soon – hehehe – OH! you know you miss my verbose silliness . You don’t have to say it out loud, I know

Hope you all had a great December. Mine has been busy and fun and exciting. I have lots of news to tell you soon!

Moving along this path, the Lady Knight notices the change in scenery. This part of the path differs from the quiet wood where the path is bordered by trees.  Wide open on both sides, it would be very easy to become distracted without careful attention.  The wind grows chilly. As the sun begins to set, lighting the sky with red and gold, she sees a large oak surrounded by a small thicket. It’s time to stop for the night.

A tickle on her cheek tells her that her brother is near.  ” Shadow? Are you sneaking up on me?”  “I’m always here, Sistermine.” Comes his reply.  Looking toward the thicket, she sees his large flowing form waiting.  It appears he was ahead by a few moments; a fire already burns brightly.  “What a beautiful evening” she kisses his cheek as she takes her place next to him beside the fire. 

  

“I’m thinking that I need my own tagline” she says lightly as she watches the crackling fire.

 

“Your own what?” she feels his eyes on her.  “You know, you always say In Every Shadow and Every Dark Place.  Maybe I need something more like me. I seem to exist in moonbeams and flowers.” She can feel his eyebrow raise. Uh oh, her heart skips a beat. His energy suddenly draws her eyes to meet his.

“Have you forgotten what it is to be Darkfyre?” His voice grows deep and somber. Perhaps she has strayed a bit from Purpose.

“We are the light in the darkness. We are in every darkness, lighting the way for the lost, broken and confused.” He continues “My Sister, how many have you lead from the dark Mazes of Confusion and the Bogs of Doubt with the Light of Truth? How many look to you in dark times for guidance? How many follow your voice to find their path?”  

“Form your own version if you’d like, but remember that You are Darkfyre. It is who you are throughout your spirit. A ‘tagline’ different from mine doesn’t change it.”

 

She was silent a few moments, absorbing his words. They rang through her spirit like church bells through Notre Dame. He is right.  The purpose of the Spirit Light is to lead when we can, guide when we can, and love always, not just dance with the flowers. It’s strength and vision. It’s the wisdom to know when to use kindness and when to use swords, knowing when to rescue and when to call out.

 

 

She is thankful for the reminder.  Tension releases from her. The Lady kisses his cheek and layed her head on his shoulder.  “thank you” she whispered.

 

 

“Anytime. Now rest. It’s my watch. You will need all your strength for the journey ahead. ”  His warm cloak surrounds her as she is whisked off to dream.

“Good night, my brother” her voice trails.

In every shadow and every dark place …

The last couple of days have contained way too much stress. They seem like one long day.  Yesterday, I dropped my car off to have them look at a popping sound in the passenger side front. This is the same car that just had the entire steering rack replaced a month ago. The news… it needs suspension bar brackets, which they have to order. They authorized a rental car, so I’m driving yet another car. The good news is that it can be fixed and won’t cost me a dime. I’m thankful for extended warranties.

 

I look at my account online and it’s overdrawn – a LOT.  A deposit is missing.  I set up a credit card to pay automatically pay on the due date to avoid any increase in interest rates. They’re already high enough.  Of course, I didn’t put that date on my calendar, so it came out two days before payday.  The good part is that I was able to make arrangements to get it covered before 5 more transactions bounced. I’m thankful for good friends with extra cash. The stress of it did not make for a good night’s sleep. My sleep has been restless these days anyway, but this surely didn’t help.  I’m going to set up a savings account with part of this paycheck to make sure I don’t have this issue again.

Work was work. This time of year is the busiest and most stressful.  The stack of paperwork on my desk grew from a few pages to an inch or so thick by the end of the day.  I sent an email to my coworker that was a bit snippy regarding a broker and accidentally copied it to that broker – yikes! Fortunately, I have developed very strong relationships with my customers and was able to save it with minor crow eating. No damage done. 

Lunchtime was spent running 4 errands that can’t be disclosed here. Two of those were completely fruitless, but I did manage a stop through Qdoba for lunch – yum.

This afternoon, March renewals were released. Effectively, this means that I’m working 3 months of business, plus the slackers from 12/1.  Roughly, I’m working 200 groups, not counting the off renewal issues. The persistency report also was released. It’s a report that tells how much business I have retained for the year.  Since that’s the main focus of my job, it’s kinda important.  It looks like I just might make maximum bonus this year! I will definitely hit part of it, but hitting the target number would mean an additional $2000, which will definitely make a dent in these icky credit cards.  

Carmax called at 3pm. My car was ready.  That’s really cool, except that I am supposed to be off work tomorrow. Remember that stack of paperwork? I can’t just leave it laying. Well, I could, but I’d really be in a mess next week.  I head out of work at 4:40. People in Tennessee can’t drive and sweat. When I leave the garage, what do I see? Rain.  Precipitation = traffic.  I make it to the rental car place an hour later. It’s normally a 20 minute drive. The rental folks take me to Carmax, which is about 5 miles away. Today, it was also an hour drive.  I had a great convo with the guy who drove me. He said I’d definitely made his day and he now had new stories to tell. 

Now, I am home and take a look at a certain Super Secret Project I have been working on for SSB.  I can’t say what happened, but it’s not looking good at all. Two more hours spent working on it and I think I have it as finished as it is going to get.

This evening I managed to get in a bit of conversation with K about her day. She’s been a busy girl lately too. I also caught up a bit with the new man in my life by email. It definitely helped knock out some of the stress of the day.

  

Tomorrow, I head into work to finish that stack of paperwork. When I finish there, I’ll correct those two errands that didn’t work out so well and make a stop through Whole Foods for cheesy goodness and chocolate for our annual Solstice Fondue Feast. 

Things aren’t bad, just busier than I’d like them to be.  My life is generally pretty free flowing. While I am a planner, having too many scheduled tasks on hand can make for a very stressed out me.  After work tomorrow, I can relax until Wednesday.  Whew!

Last night I dreamt I was walking through a vast area with many different types and styles of temples. Some were sex/sensuality/kink. Some were history/physics/anthropology. Some were painting/sculpture/carving. Pretty much any lesson, fetish, imagination, or dream was available. It was beautiful. The sheer joy and bustle of the place was intoxicating. Gold leafed temples, simple huts, beautiful dancers, simple craftsmen, all imaginable color was present. I could have spent many millennia studying there and never been bored.

 

 

 

I wasn’t aware of the time of day, the temperature, or my own footsteps, only the feeling that as I walked, I would be drawn to where I needed to be. I wasn’t worried or anxious. Walking through simply viewing the majesty of the place was satisfaction in itself.  

 

As I wandered through this vast marketplace of science, art, and philosophy soaking in the sights, I noticed that many people hadn’t figured out that entering a temple required the invitation of the host of that temple through his/her followers/slaves/servants.  They seemed to have been sitting on the steps of certain temples for many years, just waiting on their “turn”.  Others went to the doors and demanded entry only to be refused. When trying to force their way in, they often met with unpleasant results.  No one was killed or maimed, but a wall of energy thwarted their best efforts occasionally with an unpleasant shock or sudden weakness.

 

 

 

One place I entered was a place of entertainers. I wasn’t necessarily invited, I walked to the door and looked at the greeter, and received a smile and a nod to proceed. People I had know by name or in person where there, but I couldn’t tell you their names, only that they were the greats of performance arts. I thought of Houdini as I entered. There was a large performance hall and a bar where performers swapped stories. They performed feats of daring for audiences eager to be amazed.  I found myself behind the scenes of an illusion I had seen many times. It was a quick switch kind of illusion where the curtain covers the illusionist only briefly before he appears in a separate spot and rides through the crowd on a motorcycle.  The illusion didn’t go quite as planned, since the illusionists double wasn’t in place when the curtain rose. There was a quick bobble, but it all came off fine. Audiences were amazed. Disappointed that the trick involved double and actually required little skill, I bade farewell to my hosts and proceeded through the streets at a leisurely pace, stopping occasionally along the way to enjoy the scenery.

 

 

My next invitation was to a place that I knew housed a great teacher. He didn’t invite many students. I was surprised when his servant took me by the hand and let me up the steps, past those who had been waiting many years for an audience with him.  I entered up simple hewn stone steps. The one who lead me showed me artwork collected through thousands of years.  There was painting and carving, but no noticeable sculpture. All of it was fine quality art. Even in the most simple of paintings, there was a sparkle that drew my eye immediately. Eventually I was lead to a small set of stone bleachers to await my turn with the Master.  Students were admitted approximately 8 at a time, whenever the Master nodded for them to enter. 

 

When I entered, I found myself seated on the floor around a low table. The Master was seated at the head of the slightly oval table. The rest of us were spaced around the table so that no one sat totally opposite of him.  He smiled and said ” The best way to get to know another is to break bread together. Let me know you.  Food was passed amongst us. I remember little of what it was except that it was all to be eaten by hand; there was bread; and most was one or two bite size.  Finger foods of the Gods, I suppose.  The bowls were wooden and simple, but clearly handmade.  Most everything He said was accompanied by the ringing of tiny faerie bells, like small jingle bells. The bells strike me the most about all he said. He said to keep them with you all the time – to clear the energy ahead before you step through a doorway.  I was handed a few small bells tied together with a ribbon and told that upon leaving, I should make my own and they would guide my way, because these would stay in the temple.   The bells represented Spirit, each with a different tone. The string to tie them together should be silk and colored, to bind one to another loosely, so that they could each ring on their own and together.  They should be small and fit into one hand easily. 

 

When we were dismissed, he spoke with each one of us briefly away from the others in a small room to the side facing him, sitting on the floor. I remember incense burning, but I can’t put my finger on the scent at this moment.  He reminded me very much of a Tibetan monk in dark red, simple robes.

 

 

The simplicity of this place also struck me (maybe I really am thinking too much lately, but interpretation is for another blog).  There was nothing unnecessary. There was light, art, seating, and scent creating simple beauty and peace.

 

 

What did he say to me?  The only word I remember is Live.  Of course, a billion questions filled my mind. With a slight smile of amusement on his lips, he met my eyes. Looking into the depths of his soft eyes, all my questions dissipated.  Again he said, “Live”.  As I stood to leave I heard, “Walk”. I didn’t need to “hear” anything further.  I moved slowly down the hallways that I knew would lead to the exit. Each time my internal debate would try to start, His voice in my mind would clear them. It echoed through my being.

 

 

 

I awoke at 430 am with a desire to go to the craft store and buy tiny bells and silk threads.

 

 

 

Something in me has felt “off” all day. Is it the dream? Or just a consequence of being an emotional being?  I’m not sure on this particular day, but I do see the path ahead more clearly than I have previously. 

 

I have lots of interpretation floating around my head.  I’m sure you know from reading my past blogs that few things happen in my life that aren’t analyzed thoroughly from many angles in order to glean as much  information as possible.  What seems like a spur of the moment decision for me, rarely is. It’s a culmination of examinations of any factor that might be present that results in what appears to be a snap decision, simply because the current situation.  It also has to do with a book I’m reading on decision making, which I’ll go into when I get closer to the end of the book.

 

 

 

In the mean time, knowing me in whatever capacity you do, what are your interpretations?

 

 My second oil painting and the first one I’ve had framed.

the picture really doesn’t do the frame justice. It’s a much lighter antiqued silver finish and really looks good in person 🙂

16×20 oil on canvas 

Needless to say – it’s for sale!

know anyone interested? let me know